3. Underestimating the effect of divorce on your children…
Unfortunately, that’s the 3rd Thing I Didn’t “Get” about Divorce until Going through It! My son headed off to college in June of 2010 with lots of promise. Alexa was entering her freshman year of high school. If you think it was hard on me, it was 100 times harder on her. Her brother had gone off to college and got to get away from it all, as she would say. Her friends were from 2 parent families and certainly at that age didn’t understand the loneliness of divorce.
Regardless of how much you tell your children that divorce doesn’t define them, the feelings of loneliness, separation, and fear are stronger than any words declaring what doesn’t define them. Yes, children are resilient but don’t expect them to adjust quicker than you do. They may try to make you think they are fine when they really aren’t. Keep the lines of communication open with your children. Seek professional help for them if they are suffering beyond normal sadness.
In the meantime, don’t forget to show up for your children; which goes along with not putting them in the middle. That’s a tough one! It’s not always easy and sometimes you have to really work on yourself to be able to do it. Believe me! I know! The sting of your family falling apart and the anger that builds up between the 2 of you has a way of making you forget the importance of doing what’s best for the children regardless of their age.
The following are common missteps that parents going through a divorce and are divorced make…
- Discouraging your children from having a relationship with your ex-spouse.
Because, it is your relationship that fell apart not theirs. I know there are many instances where the children’s relationship is damaged as well. However, if it isn’t, don’t be the one to damage it. There are terrible circumstances that cause harm and alienate children. I’m not talking about those cases. I’m saying for my divorce, what happened wasn’t a reason to cut their father out of their life. Don’t underestimate a child’s ability to figure out what’s going on and the right to have the relationship they want and need. I’m a huge advocate of the importance of having both parents in the lives of children.
I would tell my children that some parents show love differently. I think sometimes adults and children don’t understand that. It doesn’t mean that they are not loved equally by both parents if it’s shown differently. Remember the book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? In general, men and women communicate and show love differently. Sometimes it’s difficult to be reasonable and understanding of that fact.
2. Engineering influence over your children to serve your own purpose.
Another big one is…Guilt statements…”I have done more for you than…” and “I have spent more on you than….” are unfair. How much you love your children isn’t indicative of the amount of money you spend on them. In addition, how much they love you isn’t determined by how much you spend on them. We know as adults that materialism doesn’t make you happy and doesn’t make you love someone more. It is unhealthy to cultivate resentment towards the ex-spouse by trying to control children with lack of appreciation and money statements. Most children are unappreciative whether they come from families of divorce or not. Resist the temptation to use it as a weapon in divorce.
3. If you don’t understand #2, here it is again…Playing head games with your children…
Don’t…As adults, we don’t like it when it’s done to us. Playing manipulative mind games with your children is self-serving in the short-term and is an indication that you care more about yourself than you do your children. In the end, the kids will figure it out and you will not be the winner.
I made mistakes with my children. We all let our emotions get the best of us at times. Early on it felt like a punch in the gut when having to share them…and they were 14 and 18! At the same time, parenting is hard! Why in the world would you want to do it alone especially in divorce when you don’t have to? I am happy that my children have a relationship with both of us. Because, he loves them just as much as I do! I think he would say the same. The emotional and mental health of your children should always be the priority. The 3rd thing I didn’t “Get” about divorce until going through it was a shame on me kinda moment. So many things I wished I’d done differently.
What are your thoughts? Have I forgotten anything?
#1 thing I didn’t get click Here
#2 thing I didn’t get click Here
#4 thing I didn’t get click Here
Disclaimer: I am not a professional. These are my opinions only.
